Sleep and snot

and my Mom, thank God.

The baby is full of snot, which means we couldn’t put him down in his crib to sleep without him gagging on the drainage. Because we couldn’t put the baby down, it meant that Clayton and I lived in a rotation of holding him upright in our bed, taking turns until we were disrupted by one of our other two children coming in for comfort.

“MOMMY, I’m scared,” the toddler yelled as she ran in from the girls’ shared room.

“Mom, I TRIED to help her but she didn’t want it,” the five-year-old said, rushing in behind her at 1 a.m.

They both climbed over me and got under the comforter.

Clayton passed the baby back to me and took the girls to their rooms.

This is how the past week has gone (or has it been months? Maybe years?!)

Last week my mind was racing—from daily tasks to existential questions—but this week I’m completely blank. I’ll go upstairs and stand in the hallway, blinking heavily, wondering why I’m there and what I’m looking for.

Unlike my early days of hormonal adrenaline, when I baked scones and sourdough, my cup is empty. Any remaining drops, any condensation clinging to the sides, have completely evaporated.

The only way I’m getting by is because my mom is here.

I called her crying multiple times last week, explaining that the nanny isn’t working out, the baby keeps crying, and I can’t keep leaving work to go home.

“I arrive Friday and land at 2:45 p.m.,” the text said, an hour after the second phone call.

She showed up and was immediately bombarded by the girls. Another book, Grandma. The ocean puzzle first, Grandma. She made breakfast sandwiches for now and stocked the freezer for later. She did the laundry. She put the girls’ clothes away in the right drawers. She told me to stop worrying when I kept confirming that she was sure she was willing to also watch my coworker’s fifteen-month-old that we’re doing a nanny share with.

Yesterday, during work, she texted me photos of the baby smiling. Of the baby and her reading Spot’s Birthday Party. Of the fifteen-month-old and the baby in the double stroller, out on a walk.

At my desk I stared at my phone and felt my shoulders drop for the first time in weeks. I reached into my bag and pulled out my second breakfast sandwich of the day.

---

Scenes of life lately