I’m halfway through my pregnancy. Well almost halfway because I’m due the first of September, but because I like to think I know everything, I say I’m due August 25th or some other arbitrary date at the end of this late summer month.
I’m halfway through, yet still forgetting I’m growing a human inside of me.
Co-workers will stop by my desk at work, friends will send texts, my mother-in-law will tilt her head with kind eyes and ask, “how are you feeling?”
And I’ll pause, genuinely confused. We had the flu months ago, we’re good now, and then I’ll remember that they are asking about the pregnancy and the expanding circle around my waist band.
And then I won’t recall if I’m 16 or 17 or 18 weeks because I am always telling myself I’m a week ahead, rushing the pregnancy along. I know I should be thinking about where the baby will sleep, and who will watch them when my 12-week maternity leave is over or what car they will fit in since Clayton’s truck won’t fit all three kids. But, instead I’ll do what’s in front of me– the dishes, reorganizing my underwear drawer again, or reading the next chapter in the book, ‘How did I get like this’, a recommendation I started after stealing my friend, Charlie’s copy at the Cheryl Strayed writing retreat we both attended last week.
As the weeks progress I’m realizing just how pregnant I am. I can feel the cells in my thighs thickening with what I imagine to be fatty pockets of fuel prepping me to survive what’s about to happen. And unlike my sister-in-law, whose skin glowed and hair thickened into long, strong, flowing locks, mine seems to be frozen at the same unattractive length from a horrible haircut I got months ago.
My skin feels thinner and saggy, with spots of age and change appearing. The lower half of my body has purple and blue veins bulging around my ankles, and my knees, and any other available leg real estate.
As I type this I wonder if my prenatal vitamin is actually doing anything. Then I wonder, have I been taking it? Isn’t it supposed to support my hair, my skin, and my growing baby? Instead all I notice is a lingering fish-oil smell that I belch up hours later, reminding me that, ‘hey, at least remembered to take my vitamin today.’
My four-year-old keeps reminding me to get ready, “it will be here soon, mommy”, and “when is the end of summer coming, mommy” and then she will bring out her tie-dye notebook and pen and ask me how to spell words like, bottle and crib and pacifier.
The third time around is going so quickly. I need to start walking again, or wearing my Garmin to track how little I am walking and use it as motivation to walk more. I need to start lifting weights more, so this time I’m prepared for the perils of labor instead of Googling ‘how to breathe through labor’ on my way to the hospital.
I wonder how we will manage three kids when two is a game of man-to-man, an even bedtime ratio of 1:1. I think about filling three water bottles, and packing three bags, and finding six single shoes before going out the door. I question if I’ll be able to do it because I’m already so tired. And then at night while brushing our teeth in the dark green bathroom my four-year-old will look at us and say unprompted, “When the baby comes, I’ll be so helpful it will be like you only have two kids.”
Thank you to those who helped on this one!
and Brenda Geary and Brooke who I know would have helped if I used the right email 🤣
Caroline! Guh! She is the best. So happy you captured that quote. I never capture their quotes.
Also this line almost made me spit out of my coffee: "As I type this I wonder if my prenatal vitamin is actually doing anything. Then I wonder, have I been taking it?"
Caroline to the rescue (for ‘this family?’ ). Love it!